The Shattering Of A Broken Vow

Let me just say right off the bat, I’m not good at telling people what they want to hear; if I was in the Psychic business, I’d be broke.
If the elderly came to me for a psychic prediction, I would say “Well, the only thing I see in your future…is a casket.”

I am the deliverer of bad news; I don’t know why I can’t get an Anchor job at a news broadcast.

Anyway, I’m about to let you in on something parents don’t prepare you for; this won’t be an issue for all of you, but when it comes to future relationships, its always good to prepare yourself for the worst.

This month’s topic is on the subject of infidelity; not only about the practice of it, but the thought. Some of you may be threatened by the subject matter, but once you’re married, fantasizing about a marital affair is totally harmless…if you or your partner can keep it to yourselves.

I’ve been with the same person for almost 11 years, and I’ve been married for over 2; and I can’t help the fact that I still have sexual desires for other women.

But seriously: is it considered sinful to lust after another person?
If so, why is it wrong for me to lust after another woman other than my wife?
I can’t help it if one of my weaknesses is the image of a woman’s figure!
I love the shape of a woman; I love the feminine shape so much, I lose it whenever I see a Pepsi bottle!

Now what causes the actual act of infidelity in men?
Is it hereditary?
Is it environment?
Is it Angelina Jolie?

Then I started thinking; are we actually supposed to be with one person for the rest of our lives? It’s worth trying, but the practice of everlasting monogamy seems a little unnatural; marriage would be a lot easier if the average human life span was five years!

Now I’m not breaking any vows because I’m fantasizing about sleeping with other women, I can have thoughts of robbing banks; it ain’t a crime till I say “This is a hold up!”

In all reality, I think it's extremely difficult staying faithful to one individual; it's easier to be emotionally involved with one person, but when it comes to butt-naked, nasty-ass sex…a different body and face, can be totally stimulating…or so I’m told.

(I hear having a concubine or two gets you through those hard times. Pardon the pun!)

Don’t get me wrong; there are many benefits from staying with one person: there’s a sense of security, and stability, and once in awhile you can get away with being bad in bed.

(You can rest assured that your spouse won’t break up with you…when you pass wind.)

Don't dismiss me as of yet; every bone in my body tells me that infidelity’s wrong, but hormones will put up a strong argument.
You put hormones and morals in the same room, hormones will win the debate every time. Testosterone should be the Host of CNN’s Crossfire!

People are cheating, more than you think. When my guy friends tell me about their love affairs with women other than their pretty wives, I'm discussed… yet stimulated!

The truth is, I love hearing stories about infidelity; that’s my fantasy; some people fantasize about time travel, I fantasize about marital affairs. If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t visit ancient Rome…I’d revisit past one night stands!

Stories about a cheating spouse excites me for some dysfunctional reason; a cheating man getting away with murder is one thing; but there's nothing more exciting than a horny, cheating, desperate house wife...as long as it ain’t my wife!

If I found out my woman cheated on me, she wouldn't live long enough to tell her friends about it; not because she messed around, but because I’d look like the punk who couldn’t do her right!

Women will argue that if a man cheats on his wife, it's because he didn't find his true soul mate; I don't think that's ‘always’ the case; very few people on earth can supply all of their partner’s sexual needs.
A man might be with his ultimate soul mate…who happens not to like anal!

Do you dump your wife and leave her for another, simply because she doesn’t like being stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey?

You end up going for that other woman who loves taking it from behind, but happens to hate intellectual conversation - what do you do? Overdub her voice with old recorded lectures from your University Professor?

(Just for the record, I’m not into anal; but a good sexual relationship is about give and take; so to keep a woman like that happy, I would have to stand at a distance, and feed her naked ass with a wooden broomstick!)

Not everyone can get true sexual satisfaction from one person; sexual fulfillment may come with more than one. So if you’re male, and this sounds like you, you can only come clean if you marry a swinger!

(You better hope your future wife has sexual thoughts about your best man!)

I must say it can get overly redundant having sex with the same person all the time; why? Because it's the same person…all the time!

You can find many sexual activities to spice up your relationship all you want; but a man’s wife can only dress up as a Catholic School Girl so many times.

Before you settle down, think this through: being with one person for the rest of your life is very difficult if you’re talking sexually; if I didn't have to put up with all the nagging and the bickering...I'd consider polygamy!

A man is a cheating man, no matter how you want to slice it, and it is wrong for a man to deceive his wife; but at the same time, if a man has this cheating gene, can he truly be openly honest about his true feelings without getting jacked up?

Very few women will accept a man who wants to share himself with more than one...unless she from Utah!

What female do you know will accept a man who wants her…and all the women in her yoga class?

Dealing with one person can be sexually frustrating depending on your environmental conditioning; let’s take fast food for example: I love French fries, and I’m accustom to a certain amount of fries per serving - now imagine eating just one fry!
I’m a hungry man; if you serve me one single fry…I’ll tear down the whole restaurant!

It’s good that the owners at this cheap restaurant are looking out for the potato…but what about me? Yeah I’m losing weight, but now I’m skinny and miserable!

I just don't think there's only one answer to this; no one can be physically attracted to one person for the rest of their lives; but I guess if you act on it, society will treat you like scum because you lack discipline, and self-control.

If you’re in a committed relationship, what do you do to keep up that spark? When you’re with someone for so long, you realize that the things you found sexy and exciting in the beginning, now becomes a flaw.

Just from being with my wife for almost 11 years, I realize my wife really sucks at spontaneity; for her, everything has to be planned out.
I can never just take her by surprise…she’ll cry rape!

I’m her husband – living in the same house…but now she’s walking around with a rape whistle!

She’s even spending my hard earned cash taking self-defense classes!

Now when I bring her chocolates, she kicks me in the nuts!

If I ask for sex, and she just happens to say yes, she has to make preparations; she has to make the bed, put on some soft music, by the time she's on her back…my dicks soft!

Do you know what's its like having sex with a soft dick?
That's like stuffing play-doh into a small hole!

Truth is we have to stop thinking that only men commit adultery...women cheat too!
I know tons of women who do scandalous things behind their husband’s backs; the numbers are staggering!
For every loving faithful woman, there's a not so faithful wife dying to fuck!

She sleeps around so much; you swear she didn’t get any play on her honeymoon!

I don't trust any women; because every woman on this planet has options; even the ugliest female on earth can get dick!

I have very little faith in the women I know; when my wife comes home from work, I'm almost tempted to check her under garments for a pubic hair!

(I’m always equipped with a magnify-glass and tweezers.)

Many women cheat, and I know this for a fact; the reason why I know this, is because almost every girl I've slept with...had a man!

(Don't expect me to share any stories with you; most of these guys are still alive and kicking.)

Now how many of you have cheating parents?
You might look at them as saints, but they’re not all God’s children!

If I’m wrong, then The Almighty have some black sheep in his family!

I used to know a guy whose parents were cheating on each other, and some how he found out about it; so they would both give him hush money, just to shut him up.
Now that I know his story, someone should have paid me money to shut me up!

Both of his parents are in the medical field; do you know how much Doctors make a year? Boy if they were my parents, I'd be a rich man!
Why should I bring home the bacon, when I got cheating parents paying off my mortgage?

No marriage is perfect - none! There's a reason why so many married men hang out at massage parlors. Men ain’t getting rubdowns because of a stiff neck…trust me!

(And who do you know gets a massage at 2 in the morning?)

I think one of the reasons why it’s so difficult to stay focused on one person, is because we’re bombarded with too many types of people of the opposite sex.
We’re stimulated by their personalities, their interests, especially their physical characteristics.

(A lot of it is built on fantasy and wishful thinking…thanks to multi-media.)

What makes things so difficult, there's no way we can put all of the best attributes into one ideal person; because the last time I checked…
HUMANS AREN’T CUSTOM MADE!