My Mother-In-Flaw

There are only a few people throughout the history of mankind I can’t stand: Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Anne…my mother in law!

She’s not known to be a misanthrope, but if I heard she planned the attack on 911…I wouldn’t be surprised!

I know talking about mother-in-laws is hack, but hey; I can only speak from experience. If I was a pimp, I’d talk about smackin’ hoes.

I don’t get along with my mother-in-law, and I don’t think I ever will; but I have to put up with this woman, simply because she’s the mother of my loving wife Denise.

You may ask, “What is it like having a mother-in-law?” Well if I had to compare it, it would be like putting up with your room-mate’s smelly socks.

I simply don’t like this woman; she’s nothing but pure evil. I don’t know who’s worse: my mother-in-law…or the devil!

(In my opinion, she makes Satan look like a philanthropist!)

Anne is a scary woman: if it was Halloween, my costume would be in her image.
I would go out as Chucky, but he’s just not creepy enough.

Anne will do anything to get under my skin.
One time I drove 16 long hours to do a stand-up gig; when I got back, I was told that she accused me of having an affair!

She told Denise that I wasn’t out working, providing for my family; she told her I was straight out cheating!
First of all, I would never drive 16 hours to have an affair…I would book a flight!


Even then, while I’m sitting in first class, I’d be saying “This is an expensive plane ticket; this better be some good pussy!”

Some say when you marry your spouse, you marry the whole family.
Wow…that’s a lot of wedding bands!

I love my in-laws; I love them like my very own - but I’m sorry - we don’t have a commitment; my only commitment is to Denise.
I’ll keep Anne as my bona fide in-law…but with another mother-in-law on the side.

(A matter of fact, I’d drive 16 hours to visit her!)

Anne makes me sick; she’s like a virus that won’t go away.
Because of her, I walk around with medication; because you never know when my hatred’s going to act up!



This is a woman I can’t stand.
The truth is…I don’t think she can stand herself!
Anne’s not an unattractive woman, but I’m sure she has many broken mirrors!

Ever since I met her daughter, Anne always had something against me; she made this very clear.
The average mother-in-law would say “I don’t hate him; I just don’t know him.”
Anne would say “I hate him, and I don’t want to know him…if I do, I’d only hate him more.”

This woman dislikes me so much, the day I called her out on her accusations - she tried performing witch craft on me over the phone!

She chanted some evil spell which made me laugh at the time, but months later…I almost ended up in a car accident…twice!

Shortly after her voodoo demonstration, I slid off a slippery road and almost crashed into a cop car!
That wasn’t the bad part…the cop was still inside!

Then just recently I went into my car, turned on the ignition, and the air bag blew and completely shattered my windshield!

Luckily for me before I turned on the ignition, I had the side-window down; if I hadn’t done that, the pressure would have busted my ear drum…that would’ve been music to her ears!

Even worse; if that air bag went off while driving on the highway, I probably would have died!

The good thing with that possible scenario, Anne would come to my funeral, but she would show up in her most expensive dress!

(The same dress she would’ve worn ‘if’ she showed up to our wedding.)

After the air bag incident, Denise told her what happened; Anne didn’t even ask if I was okay or anything! All she said was “He didn’t survive did he? Damn; I got to take back this dress!”

I don’t trust Anne; I don’t even trust her around my kids!
When I’m not around, I know she’s telling them they aren’t mine; some how I get this feeling they think their dad’s Mekhi Phifer!

Denise’s father who past on, (May he rest in peace) didn’t like me either; but at least he had a legitimate reason; he found me arrogant, stubborn, and condescending…just like his good ol’ ex-wife.

But the good thing is, he never once showed it around his son-in-law; trust me that brother had me fooled!

I didn’t find out he hated me till the day of his funeral. I was so hurt when I found out…I almost didn’t show up!

The one thing I can say is we had one thing in common…we weren’t too crazy about Anne!

I never thought I could despise a woman so much.
The woman I thought I would hate the most, was Alexis from Dynasty!

I despise Anne so much, when she calls, I don’t even answer the receiver; I just throw the cordless phone to Denise.
Correction: I throw the phone at Denise!

Her mom calls three times a day, so that’s a black eye, a chipped tooth, and a concussion!

Whenever Denise and I get in an argument, and
I know I can’t hit her, I’d just say, “I hope your mother calls right about now!”

(Denise is so afraid of getting an ass whoopin’, she now turns off the ringer!)

Anne is doing anything she can to break up our marriage; but after Denise reads this, who needs her mom? Looks like I’m doing a fine job on my own.

Anne finds nothing good in me.
Denise could tell her that I saved 11 kids from a burning building; and she’d say, “I told you he’s no good!
If he’s willing to save 11 kids from a burning house, then they got to be his…or so he thinks!”

Good thing I don’t have to see her often, because she’s always working. A matter of fact, Anne’s a Nurse; she works at a mental institute. Because of her, I now believe that mental illness is contagious!
(That woman needs to take her crazy shots!)

When she calls, I tell Denise to put on a surgical mask…plus it will cover up that chipped tooth!

Sometimes I don’t know if I can take much more of this woman.
I’m surprised Denise didn’t come out like her; if she didn’t resemble her mother, I’d think she was adopted!

You may be saying that I’m way too harsh on my mother-in-law; no human is perfect.
This is true, but a flaw should never outshine a human being’s good qualities.
If it takes a flaw to define who you are as a person, then you’re no good to me…
OR TO THE REST OF SOCIETY!